How to do laundry in Thailand

Step One: 

After wearing an article of clothing, throw it into a pile of dirty clothes on the floor. Once you have no more clean clothes and an odd odor fills your room that makes your friends refuse to enter your room, you are ready to do laundry.

Step Two:

Prepare to take one load of laundry downstairs. You have around four loads to do, so take it easy and sing yourself one of your favorite tunes in the elevator as you head down to the laundry room.

Step Three:

Once you have arrived at the laundry room, turn the power on for the laundry machine. Stare at the screen intensely to will the red zeros to fully charge and light up. The more you stare and swear at the circles to light up, the slower it goes. Although it seems pointless, this is a necessary step to doing laundry and must not be ignored.

Step Four:

Once the zero's light up, you can now put your two 10 baht coins into the machine and push the start button. There are several other buttons on the machine to control the water levels , but these are just for decoration. 

Throw some soap in and wait for the water to foam before dumping in your first load of laundry. You are now free to get lunch or go back to your and room and watch your fish swim around in their new tank.

Step Five:

After 35 minutes, your laundry is done. Once you got back downstairs and have pulled everything out, don't forget to flip a switch and cut the power to the washing machine. 

Now walk up six flights of stairs carrying your laundry because this is your only form of exercise. Once you reach the sixth floor, open the door to the roof where you then attempt to hang up your recently cleaned sheets. Although hanging sheets seems easy enough, keep in mind that you are unable to see from the blinding sun and their are random gusts of wind that try to steal your sheets and fling them over the edge. 

Drop your clean sheets on the pigeon poop covered cement floor multiple times before instantly picking it up, and cursing the world. 

Twenty minutes later pick up your now dry sheets.

Repeat Steps one through five until you have only have a small pile of laundry left in order to always have at least some pile of rotting clothes in your room to maintain the feng shui of the room.

Yesterday

Hi All, 

Yesterday two days of sleep deprivation caught up with me and I was too exhausted to teach, let alone write. Here are some updates.

The day I got the police officers phone number to report the abuse I'd been hearing in my apartment, I went home to find that they had moved out. 

The door to their room stood completely open and there was nothing inside. It was completely clean, too clean. It seemed almost as if the walls had been scrubbed which just ripped my heart out and I found myself standing at the threshold of the door trying not to cry. Trying to not hear the pleading screams I had heard the night before that still hung in the air. 

 I found it so strange that to an outsider the room looked like any empty room in the world. But for me, the place gave me chills. You could just feel something horrible had happened, and I murmured a prayer for the woman to be safe as I shut the door and headed back to my room. 

.....

Yesterday morning I woke up early, hell bent on getting to school on time. I hailed a song tao and we were going towards my school, when suddenly the driver took a strange turn and parked the car on a side road to drop off the front seat passenger.

Okay no big deal, still got plenty of time to get to school. 

Suddenly I heard what sounded like throat singing, and peered through the back window. The other passenger was red monk. I'm pretty sure they are higher up on the food chain than the orange monks, and they wear these really beautifully colored crimson red robes. 

The throat singing I heard was Mr. Red blessing the driver, and I sat back closing my eyes listening to him chant over the drivers head.

Five minutes pass. Still chanting.

Ten more minutes pass. Still chanting.

It's one thing to know that a monk will be chanting for 20 minutes when you can expect it, sit back and relax. But when you have no idea what's going on and you're sitting there needing to get to school now , I found myself getting really anxious. 

When I finally accepted what was going on an stopped trying to control the moment or will Mr. Red to wrap it up already, I found myself being carried away in this voice. Carried away from the freeway traffic whizzing past us, from the wafts of raw sewage or dumplings that occasionally consumed the air. I just sat in silence, looking at the light red light behind my eyelids, having no thoughts and just listening. When I finally listened, I found the monks voice to be so powerful and I just sat in the back seat, floating.

Moments later the monk stopped, hopped out, and laughed as he walked away into a cell phone store. As the song tao started and then swirled away back into traffic, I found myself smiling and in a state of peace and great compassion. A perfect place to be before starting my day.

....

That peaceful state of mind soon disappeared, that day was long. I was exhausted and wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. 

After school I got stuck in a song tao with 8 smelly high school boys for a song tao comfortably holds at most 5 people. The boys were loud and chowing down on fried chicken and mystery meats covered in this thick sticky orange sauce. We ended up having to drive 45 minutes in the opposite direction of where I live to drop these brats off, and the entire time I was in the sun.

I got stuck next to a kid I called Chubby Mc Chubsters, who chewed with his mouth open, had his gut hanging out of his shirt and kept leaning on me. When I couldn't shuffle over anymore because they kept cramming bodies on the song tao, I was stuck next to Chubby who proceeded to sweat gallons and stick to me.  They had to practically peel him off me when they got off because he had sweat on me so much. Disgusting.

....

In the end, driving in the song tao everyday is teaching me how to let go of things I cannot control and practice being patient. This morning I woke up late because I figured I was going to get to school late anyways no matter what I do. 

This time I had an entire song tao to myself and we went straight to school. Hallelujah!

Thanks for reading and much love!

Love, 

Andi

PS

It's Dec 21st over here and every thing's looking good. No end of the world in sight. Unless you count the song tao experience with Chubby, which definitely was 45 minutes of hell. 

1:00AM

Hi All, 

Last night I heard a couple fighting outside my window as I was falling asleep. About an hour later, I heard the same women sobbing on my floor in one of the rooms. Soon I heard her screaming in Thai and in English begging, saying "No! No!". I could hear thrashing and screaming as she fought of her perpetrator. I later heard gargling as she was being choked and then silence, then more screams. It last for about ten minutes on and off.

This happened once before, the same woman, a few days ago. I didn't mention it because I wanted so badly for my instinct to be wrong. That it wasn't real, that there wasn't a woman being abused by her partner. That it was a one time, horrible game people were playing and that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

But it was. It was so awful. 

Becca and I texted/emailed each other as we sat trapped in our rooms, unable to help. The hardest thing about listening to this poor woman be attacked is that I wanted so badly for someone, anyone, to tear down the door grab that horrible man and drag him to prison. To take his face, smash it into the wall and make it all stop.

But no one came. The desperate screams kept going. My heart raced as if I were the one being attacked, as if I was in danger. When I heard the impact of her body thrash against the walls, it was my body being broken. My neck having two hands wrapped around it slowly being strangled.

In America, I have an awareness of what's socially acceptable, I have a hypothetical ability to help. But even then, in situations like this it's so important to know what you're doing.

I know that if I reached out to her, posted a sign in Thai with abuse center contact information, called the police, talked to the manager, talked to other people down the hall, blared a fog horn at their door when the fighting started. Even with all this, there is a legitimate danger that I could be jeopardizing her safety and my own. That the man could retaliate against her for drawing attention to the abuse, or flare up against me for attempting to intervene.

I'm not a citizen of this country, nor do I speak the language. I don't know how to help or who to call and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to explain what's going on. The helplessness I feel in this situation, accepting that she must be the one to reach out or someone else must intervene....it's so heartbreaking and tragic. 

 I want so badly to be a hero and somehow, save this woman. Tragically, it seems that a combination of cultural acceptance and bystander effect silences any opportunity to help her.

But her screams of terror are still ringing in my ears this morning.

....

Today I have a long day of teaching. Six classes straight from 10:50 till 4:00pm and then afterwards I have to go to a mandatory Christmas Party with my boss and co workers that promises to last forever and have plenty of awkward moments. I had a difficult time falling back asleep after the attack last night, today is going to be a long day.

Thanks for reading, and please don't think I'm in any danger. It's pretty obvious at this point that the perpetrator is in some sort of relationship with the victim and is attacking her, not going out and attacking people in the apartment. I plan to keep my head down, stay quiet,  and try to move out as soon as possible. Which is disappointing, because I really do love our new apartment, but it must be done for my own mental health. 

Much Love, 

Andi

Oh Thailand

Friend Becca feeding a happy elephant. 

Hi All, 

This morning I woke up to the sound of a flock of strange birds screaming and cackling outside my window. At 6am it's enough to make you want to move back to the states and quit teaching. I hate them with a fiery passion and would take any advice on to keep them away from my window.

After getting dressed and heading out the door I was pretty grumpy. I had wet hair from showering and this morning was actually pretty cold. The birds seemed to be cackling above my head as they followed me, drivers kept honking at me, and for some reason there were all these child monks walking around. 

No one has ever told me exactly what you do whenever you see a monk over here besides the vague instruction "Don't touch". Which honestly makes you want to poke them or something because you know you're not supposed to. Just a little poke. 

Today a little heard of monks was walking towards me and a cut across the street only to find another group of them. Ah! They're everywhere!

Suddenly out of nowhere, a song tao pulled up. Huh, that's convenient. I told the driver where I needed to go and hopped in the back to find...what the hell? 

An entire restaurant was stacked on the back of the song tao. We're talking chairs, dishes, groceries, water filters, tables. The thing was packed to the ceiling, but the most exciting thing was the small portable grill that still had burning coals in it.

The song tao raced off the moment I sat down and I laughed at the fact that I had just been grumbling about how cold I was and now, look, I have this nice open stove to warm me up on my way to school. A stove that is traveling 30mp in heavy traffic and is sliding up and down the song tao as the driver makes reckless turns.

Oh my god, it's an actual death trap! 

Once I positioned myself in a way where the coals couldn't spit at me and burn me, I noticed that we were traveling in the wrong direction. We were also in some part of town that I had never been before, weaving in and out of narrow neighborhood streets. I started to get pretty car sick and was about to stop the song tao catch another one but something told me to stay.

After a few minutes we pulled into a drive way that had a kitten and a puppy with cute little collars on them waiting for us. Apparently their was a grandma in the front seat who needed help moving her entire restaurant back home for the day. The song tao driver had a bad back and so they picked me, a young healthy looking farang, to come help them unload everything before taking me to work.

And so for the next ten minutes I'm unloading a restaurant from a truck and helping this woman organize her home. I told them "I have to teach in ten minutes!!" to which the old women looked at me, shrugged said "Mai ben rai." or "No Worries." and then reached up to me for the next chair.

The song tao driver was actually pretty concerned and kept telling her to move faster which then broke out into a fight,then got the neighbors involved... it was a huge mess.

Sigh. Oh well, I just accepted that I was not going to be to school on time and then enjoyed watching a women prepare breakfast outside of her home while the Mama dog begged for some chicken. Being in that little drive way was like being in a the behind scenes of a movie, and I got to watch Thai families get ready for school which was delightful.

Ten minutes later, we hop back in the song tao, but the old lady gets in too. I am confused, don't know what's going on and we take off out of the drive way down another side street that is not in the direction of my school. Soon we come across a major four way intersection and park the song tao again.

 Grandma runs out of the song tao and we wait for a few minutes. Okay. Definitely late for school.

Grandma comes running back with her five year old grandson who was waiting to be picked up. I thought he was so brave, sitting their alone on the side of the road on a dangerous street intersection. The moment the kids feet were in the song tao, the thing shot off again and we were off zipping through traffic.

Finally we drop grandma and grandson off, and a few minutes later after waiting at the longest traffic light in the history of the world, I got to school twenty minutes after the last bell rang.

The women at the front desk asked me why I was so late, but all I could do was shake my head, smile and say in my broken Thai, "Song Tao."

....

Today is my class I made my students write letters to a family friend who is deployed in Afghanistan. It's pretty clear they don't know anything about Afghanistan and didn't understand why they were writing the letters. Here are some highlights. 

Dear Phillip, 

I know you have a best family in Afghanistan. How are they and you? Can I come visit you? I want to visit Afghanistan, it looks very peaceful. Last I want you to take care of yourself!

Love,

Moo

...

Dear Phillip, 

My name is Prince and I live in Lampang. I like Teacher Andi. She smile, she look at me when she play guitar. I see her at night market. Wow! 

Sincerely, 

Prince

(I read this as the student handed it to me and he smiled from ear to ear....Back of Prince, not interested.)

...

Dear Phillip, 

My name is Mike and I am 18 years old. I am very happy in English class. Andi teach English for me very good. I like her. I love you too.

Warm Regards,

Mike

(Obviously, I do not teach English very good.) 

...

Dear Phillip, 

My name is Katta and I am 16 years old. Lampang has a dirty sheep farm. I love you very much. You should to come to visit sheep farm. Bye Bye!

Sincerely, 

Katta

...

Another great moment in class today was when I graded last weeks homework assignment which asked "If you had all the money in the world what would you do?" To which one of my students eloquently wrote " Teacher Andi. If I had all the money in the world I would, fart."

I wanted to point out to this student that you can, and in fact do, fart without all the money in the world, but I didn't want to get into it.

Well off to teach another class. Thanks for reading and talk to you soon!

Much Love, 

Andi

Good Morning Sunshine

Hi All,

My heart and thoughts still go out to all those affected by the shooting. But life still goes on, and here is an update of my life today.

This morning I woke up ready to go to school. I have slept so much this weekend because of my cold, but as I crawled out of bed I felt incredibly sleepy. I fed my fish and was about to get dressed for school, but my bed looked so comfortable and thought to myself "I'll just lay down for five more minutes...."

Soon I was catching up with my friend Kendra and devouring block and block of blue cheese when all of a sudden a man came to serenade us with Garth Brooks songs.

Wait a minute. 

I hate Garth Brooks. 

I jolted out of sleep.  I felt as if I had been holding my breath under water and over dramatically flailed my arms around trying to get out of cocoon of sheets wrapped around my body. I couldn't remember where I was, and I thought that it was still 6am and that I had time to get to school.

I picked up my phone. It read 1pm.

Daaaaaamn. I slept for five more hours?!?

After beating myself up for being lazy and a terrible teacher I accepted it was too late,  I missed school. I then dozed for a few more minutes and then finally dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. I guess my body really needs sleep with this whole cold thing going on.

In reality, I didn't really miss anything. I don't teach on Monday's anyways. But in principle I need to not sleep in anymore.

....

After finally waking up, I threw in a load of laundry ( I need to pick that up dont let me forget) and went across the street for lunch. I found a new restaurant that serves chicken curry soup and had a lot of fun trying to gracefully slurp up homemade egg noodles with the thickest chopsticks I have ever seen in my life. I was unsuccessful and spilt curry all down the front of my shirt.

My new favorite game is to be very polite and meek when I order food and then half way through the meal start talking to the store owners. It's the same reaction every time. There hands go up in the air as if I had just told them they're on a hidden camera show, everyone starts laughing and then we start to chat.

The only problem is that I don't actually speak Thai. So after we reach five minutes into a conversation I've used up all my vocabulary which leads to stage two of the prank which actually isn't fun at all. The conversation turns pretty awkward where I tell them "Oh Haha! I can't speak Thai". They look at me confused like "What do you mean you don't speak Thai? Here, maybe if I talk to you faster you'll understand!" 

 At this point I just  nod and smile to everything they say. Today they asked me "What grades do you teach?" to which I responded "Yes!" and then ate a big bite of noodles before I registered what they had just asked.

Okay, so the prank needs some work. But it's still exciting!

I've got to go get that laundry and then really start to work on job applications. I know I'm a beautiful person, blah blah blah, but when I apply for jobs I feel my self worth slip out the window. I'm left with a shell of myself, whispering negative thoughts as I try to sell myself to the stranger reading my application out of thousands of others.  

Goal for today: practice self love.

And with that it's time to stop fooling around and work on my resume. 

Thanks for reading and Much Love, 

Andi

Sandy Hook Tragedy

Hi All, 

Today I woke up coughing at 6am and after taking a nice hot shower, flipped open my computer to check the news. It was then when I saw the headlines.

Gunmen Kills 20 Children at School in Connecticut

28 Dead in Conn. Rampage: Gunmen said to have killed mother before attack at grade school

At Sandy Hook, screams and gunshots over the intercom as death arrived

I read article after article. A wave of numbness came over me.  I read a line in the Washington Post that read, "Children were ushered out of the building...Some were so scared they vomited. A few of the children had blood on their clothes."

That image to me just broke me down. Being a teacher, constantly surrounded by kindergartners and small children, the victims to me are much more tangible.  I can imagine the looks of terror on a five year old's face when she sees her teacher be shot at point blank range. I can see myself as a teacher frantically trying to protect my students by locking them in a closet. I feel this eery empathetic pull to the school, to the teachers, to the children. To the horror. 

When such tragedy an occurs, I feel as if everything in the world is terrible. Reading about the loss of innocents made me think about all the people murdered on a daily basis, all the families ripped apart.

The NRA claims that guns don't kill people, people kill people.  I wonder, what kind of person could shoot 20 kindergartners? This murderers story is the same story that is always told. Adam Lanza, a 20 year old anti social kid with a potential developmental disorder.  A loner who needed help, and nobody noticed until it was too late.

Although I am in support of stricter gun control policies, it's not enough and it won't put and end to the shootings. This pattern that the murderers have of being disconnected with the rest of society is the real problem at hand, the deeper issue. Take Germany for example. Even with strict gun control laws, it's still plagued by shootings just like the United States. (Seriously, type in "Germany shootings" in google. The number of stories that pop up is horrifying.)

The biggest solution to stopping shootings that is not being discussed in the media, is the need to promote mental wellness for all members of society. 

Think about it. What if Adam Lanza had found a community that allowed him to get mental help? What if he felt included, supported and loved by the world around him? Would he have still felt compelled to kill his mother and then pull the trigger on 20 kindergartners and their teachers?

What if everyone in the world had loving parents? Had supporting teachers? Had kind friends? Would there still be murders if everyone felt loved and welcomed in the world? 

As a teacher in Thailand, I've noticed a big cultural difference. There seems to be a limit to bullying and an understanding that at the end of the day you include everyone. Rice farmers help each other harvest without pay, because it's understood that one day you too will need the extra hands. 

There is this deeply rooted belief in all parts of life that if you are kind and caring to your neighbors, you are doing good to yourself.  I don't feel this in America, a country that is so focused on individual success that we're creating monsters of those left behind.

I know the biggest honor I can do for today's victims is to be a kind person. Not only when I teach by looking out for kids who I think need more help, but outside of the classroom too. I pray that one day we can live in a world where every single human being feels love and support from those around them. And never again feels the need to resort to violence to end their own suffering.

Today I plan to go to the nearby temple and light incense for the victims and their families. 

Thanks for reading and Much Love, 

Andi

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” - Mr. Rogers

Fish, Taxi's and so much more!

Picture of a float at a festival a few weeks ago.

Hi All, 

The thing about having both shingles and a head cold is that it absorbs all my attention and replaces it with this constant sense that I am wandering through a dreamlike world with lots of screaming little people that talk to my in tongues (aka my students talking to me in Thai).

 It's one of the worst places mentally to be in when you have to control 50 plus raging hormonal teenagers and constantly be ready for any mutiny they may be plotting in class.  For some odd reason though, the kids have not been picking up that I don't want to be here.

 Yesterday as I was climbing into a song tao to go back home, a group of students ran up to me and blew me kisses as the the car drove away. They seem to be like cats. The more you don't want to be around them, the more they love you.

Here is a quick catch up of the past few days events.

....

I went home the other day in a song tao taxi (as I do). When I hopped in the back, I was met by a four year old, a five year old and ten year old completely unsupervised travelling back home. Well, hello everyone!

The three year old just stared at me for the entire ride home. I would smile at her, but she would just keep staring. Talk about tough crowd.

The five year old was adorable wearing knee high socks with his school uniform and kept telling me over and over again that his name was Jing.  The ten year old was fascinated by me and kept asking me questions in Thai about why I don't have a boyfriend ( I told him my mother asks the same thing and he understood me and laughed!!!).

 As this was going on Jing had grabbed a hold of the handles bars on either side of the song tao and was swinging in mid air as the car raced down the road at 40mph. Keep in mind that the ceiling had no padding, so any bump on the road and Jing's head was going straight up into metal and open nails.

I watched as this demon child swung away and nearly killed himself. I had a moment of panic. Then I thought "Not my kid, not my problem." and enjoyed the rest of the ride.

 I find it amazing that no matter where you are in the world, children are always trying to kill themselves. 

......

This week I got fish! 

I was originally going to steal them from an old lady's pond down the road. Now, I know that sounds pretty awful, stealing from an old woman an all, but there are literally hundreds of them. Honestly I would be doing the fish a favor by depopulating their pool. 

I told my friend Nok what I was planning on doing and she looked at me in horror so I proposed going down and asking the old women if I could buy some from her. Nok said it was a stupid idea but went along with it. Besides what's the worst that could happen? She says no, we move on and then go get some dinner.

Five minutes later, this Thai grandma is yelling at Nok's face as I stand behind her trying to figure out what was going on.

Apparently the old lady was really attached to every single one of her fish.  I couldn't understand much of the conversation besides "I am NOT a fish store!" and "What's wrong with you?! Get out!"

Nok apologized profusely and flashed me this look that said "Don't talk to me. I hate you."

I slinked back behind her feeling guilty and then followed her into a pet store where I let Nok pick two small fish for me. Nok picked out two small fish the size of half my pinky finger, ones deep blue/black and the other goes from pale to dark orange.

I brought them back to my room and put them in the cookie tin can Nathan ( another teacher in the same program) gave me.

 Retrospectively, putting two fish in a container that is silver and thus serves as a giant mirror might not have been the best idea for two male fish. For hours the fish were attacking the walls, trying to kill their threatening reflection.  My bad!

I also noticed that when I tried to feed them, they were uninterested. I realized that they were most likely freezing because the metal container offers no insulation. My bad!

 I padded the bottom with gravel, put in a live plant to give them some oxygen and now they are my little buddies swimming around happily. The blue one is Sukiaki named after a Thai dish here that I think sounds cute. The orange one's name is Ahtee, short for panateet which means sun in Thai.

I love them and pictures are coming soon!

...

The bathrooms are not working at school today. They put a "out of order" sign on the door but I didn't understand it because it was in Thai. I realized what it said after I had already had used the bathroom and the toilet didn't flush.  Sigh.

I'm pretty horrified right now trying to figure out where all these children are going to the bathroom today. I would hope they are all holding it in, but I highly doubt the bladder of a five year old can handle that responsibility.

Also, no one else seems upset by this! It's as if they all got a memo about some new top secret bathroom location that I'm not privy to. Thailand! What's going on?!

Well off to teach! Thanks for reading and talk to you later.

Much Love, 

Shingles

Hi All,

I got shingles about a month ago on my ass.

 Miserable experience, but I about a week ago I was feeling completely healed besides this feeling that there was still something going on down there and I wasn't 100% recovered.

Now with this cold, my immune system is once again under attack and the shingles seem to be coming back full force. I'm at school today, but I'm having difficulty walking and my head is just way too out of it to write to you.

Don't worry though, I'll be fine. I'm more in that state of mind where I want my mommy to take care of me and bring me a nice fluffy cat to keep me company. And absolute disbelief that I've been dealing with this rash that attacks my nervous system for over a month now.

But such is life. And you know, things could always be worse.

Talk to you soon and much love,

Andi

P.S
(I'll try to find an email I sent to my family describing the shingles for you).

Bratty Student goes down!

My day perfectly summed up by one of the students drawings from earlier this week.

Hi All, 

Today I'm at school. I didn't sleep well from a sore throat, cough and mucous combo that made me feel as if someone was pumping helium into my forehead. In response to this cold I most likely contracted from the kindergartners I was kickin it with earlier last week, my shingles have flared up a bit. Today I stood awkwardly in the corner trying to cradle myself and put the weight off the right side of my body whilst the kiddies did their midterm presentations.

I was really disappointed in how poorly one of my lesson plans worked. I had this idea for them to write a story with three characters and then in groups of three they would act it out, have some fun and good laughs instead of having a boring final exam. 

The thing is that with over 50 kids in a class it didn't work. They need one on one speaking training to develop their presentation skills. And so I just had group after group of mumbling monotone zombies come forward for what they perceived as some sort of American death sentence rather than a game.

One cultural difference I noticed today is that it's not considered impolite in Thailand to speak while others are talking. So during the presentations, the class would be silent until someone would start their presentation at which point everyone else would burst into conversation. The presenters seemed grateful that their classmates weren't paying attention to them and I just sat back in utter wonder realizing that not everyone was raised the same way I was. Which of course is a "oh yeah, duh" moment, but still fascinating.

Today in my first class of almost 60 10th graders that I haven't taught in almost a month because of sports day. Things got intense. I feel myself learning how to strike a balance between being kind and supportive, whilst still giving off  "if you mess with me, in anyway, I promise to spend the rest of the year making your life a living hell so you best sit down and shut up". 

I found that if I move the chairs into two rows I can awkwardly drag myself between the crooked desks and have a bird's eye view of everyone. Today one of the worst girls in class had her cell phone out. 

I stormed over because I had already asked her three times to pay attention. She laughed at my face.

Oh hell no.

Did this girl really just laugh in my face? 

Oh no she did-n't!

I smiled at her and said "Give me your phone, please."

She kept laughing defiantly and stood up from her desk and leaned in towards me.

"I no have phone" she said flashed this patronizing smile.

 The whole class starter to snicker (This by the way is the same class that cut off each others hair in the hallway earlier this year.)

Am I in a movie? What is this?!

 I wanted to tell her "Do you really think I am that stupid? You are a spoiled brat now give me your phone so I can shatter it on the ground in a million pieces, publicly shame you, make you cry, and go on with the lesson."

Instead I said, "Your phone, please."

She handed me her dictionary, still smiling. Somebody needed to call an ambulance for this chick because I was about to open a can of woop ass on her.

I smiled and leaned over her (even though she was standing up I'm was at least a foot taller than her). I switched to Thai so that I knew the entire class would understand me. 

"Give me your phone right now or I will give everyone in the class a lot of hard homework."

There were gasps. Her smile dropped.

Well, well. It seems the table has turned, my friend.

I heard some students pleading with their comrade "No! Not homework! No!!"  and "Give her the phone! Give her the phone!"

The girl looked broken as she pulled out her phone from her pocket, placed it into my hand and slunk down into her chair.

HA! That's right! You sit there and look pathetic. Don't mess with me brat. I have the power not you.

After I took her phone I told her that she had to write me 20 sentences about her weekend to get her phone back. As I was writing this email, she came in and is now writing in front of me. I'm even making her rewrite the sentences. 

BAM! I just did that! Months ago I would have felt so guilty and now I feel like TEACHER ANDI: THE ENFORCER OF JUSTICE (and stuff). 

Well off to teach another class. I hope they got the memo and don't try anything stupid. Or I will crush them! Muah hahah ha ha!

Thanks for reading and much love, 

Andi

Thai Talent Show Photos

HI All,

Here are some pictures from yesterday's Talent Show and other festivities this week. Enjoy!

This a wooden horse at my school. I don't know why we have one, but I he has real horse hair that has not been brushed in at least 60 years. 

"Arunothai" is the name of my school. I had to stay here for a couple minutes trying to read it, not gonna lie.

Exh..
Exhibi...
 Exhibiti...
Oh! It says Exhibition! 

"The back of you head is ridiculous."
Chilling behind the nuns as we watch some of the talent show. 

The Kindergartners
 The cute one on the far left name is Pepsi. The girl standing next to him got a bloody nose from what I assume to be from the boredom of the show. Pepsi sat with her and held her hand as she freaked out. So cute!

Well, this is awkwardly written.

This is how Thai people view white people.

No, I'm serious. This was the "foreigner" they made for the English speaking section.

"Magic Science"
Apparently in Thai this is code for "make paper flowers".

Art work by one of the students.

This is an edible cracker with nasty looking jelly.
 I would have  tried one,  but I didn't want my colon to glow in the dark.

Eiffel Tower made out of recycled keyboards!

Creepy Clown made out of recycled speakers!

"Teacher"
Story of my life.

"Food Poisoned"
Also the story of my life.

The saddest star I have ever seen.

One of my classes posing for the camera. Random teacher in middle. I wasn't asked to be in the photo, but whatever it's cool I'm not bitter or anything. Didn't want to be in your photo anyway. Stupid photo.

End of the day after the last show.
I lost hearing in both my ears after having to sit listen to children sing traditional Thai songs like "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey or "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson for five hours.

King's Birthday and another Sports Day

Lanterns at a night market. This has nothing to do with today's post but I thought it look pretty. 

Hi All,

I am currently sitting at my desk at my school. This school is absolutely ridiculous, even by Thai standards. Just to give you a heads up, this email is pretty long but hopefully I'm a charming enough writer you can make it to the end.

This week is my schools 60th anniversary and so Monday and Tuesday were celebrations. Yesterday was the king's birthday and so there was no school. Today is apparently a continuation of a "sports day" that has seriously gone on now for at least two months. I'm beginning to wonder if my school is actually a day care. But hey! Don't get me wrong, I love it.

 I walked into my first class and waited for them to arrive. After a half an hour a few stumbled in and upon seeing me said "Oh! Andi! ugh.. Hi! I go to the bathroom?" and then bolted out the door never to return.

The thing is that I'm such a lazy person, I really don't mind not teaching. I sort of taught one class today but we just played games before we were interrupted by an organ playing. What the hell? When did the school get an organ?! 

It's hard to describe just how little idea I have of what's going on right now. There are two stages set up, one outside on the soccer field another in the main gym. On the soccer field there is an entire class of 3rd graders doing some choreographed dance someone taught them. My favorite is this little boy who is running the show smiling from ear to ear and shaking his booty (or as Thai's say "moving his ass"). They look like they're having so of fun and I have this strange urge to jump up there with them and dance in the sun.

The next stage currently has this little girl, probably 4th grader, who looks like she will need a lot of therapy later in life for how traumatized she is. Seriously, she's mumbling song lyrics into a mic with her eyes squeezed shut and her knuckles going white from holding the mic so hard. She's pretty brave to sing in front of about a hundred students and strangers. I was tempted to go up on stage with my guitar and have her sing along to try to throw her a rope, but I don't speak enough Thai to explain why I'm interrupting her show (Hey there Thai girl, I'm really happy for you and I'm gonna to let you finish, but first...)

Now there's another girl on the stage. She sounds good! I'm still confused as to why she and everyone else is not in class though.

....

Yesterday was the King's birthday. It's very hard to describe the sensation around the King. Imagine the fervour that the world has towards the British Royal Family and then imagine that the queen actually had political power like President Obama. Except with the King of Thailand has even more influence as he is regarded as the Father of the country and as a holy figure. In fact, his birthday here is father's day.

Yesterday I got to sleep in and went to a nearby noodle shop for breakfast. The owners were so kind to me and made sure I was all nice and settled before they handed me a nice steaming bowl of pork noodle soup. I was really enjoying myself. As I slurped up noodles and meatballs, I looked around the restaurant and saw fathers getting breakfast with their children to celebrate the holiday. 

One girl looked like she had been literally dragged of bed to come get breakfast with her dad and seemed to still be pretty upset about it. I was reminded about in high school when my father would bang on my door, order me out of bed to get breakfast and give me 5 minutes to get ready. I would groggily get dressed and drag myself to his old pickup truck where he would be waiting (I remember one time there wasn't any shocks in the car, that was fun). Then we'd go off to some Mexican restaurant in the middle of a cotton field and catch up on life.

As I was missing my dad, a giant horse fly flying around my bowl decided to commit suicide and landed smack dab in the middle of my noodles. 

I stared at in drowning in disbelief. Then a wave of rage swung through me. What the HELL fly?? Why? WHY?!!!

I flung it out of my soup and looked up. The owners of the store hadn't seen what had happened and chirped away at me in Thai asking about my life, where I was from, etc. I still had half a bowl to eat and I knew that if I didn't eat at least half of that it would be considered offensive.

I smiled back at the store owners, but in my mind I was swearing up a storm against the f$%ing horse fly. Because what do horse flies eat children? That's right! Feces and rotting meat.

I dumped a ton of hot peppers into my soup hoping that would somehow sterilize the floating pieces of poop in my soup, picked up my chopsticks and ate a giant bite of noodles. The shop vendor walked over to me "Arroy Mai? Delicious no?"

"Mmmm so good!" I said trying to smile and to not think about all the things floating around in my spoon.

Thanks a lot fly. 

......

Yesterday the entire country celebrated the king's birthday. The king's color is yellow and yesterday all of the older generation was wearing yellow to honor him. Red is the color of an opposition party and so I made a conscious decision to wear yellow along with most of the country. 

The reactions from some Thai people upon celebrating the King's birthday was really something to see.

But here are those who do not agree. It is public knowledge that there is a group called the Red Party or People's Alliance for Democracy that holds a strong majority in the north, especially in Lampang and Chiang Mai. The party attempted a coup in 2008 and the party leader is currently in exile. There have been a few protests again in Bangkok since I have lived here. 

There are whispers about party activities in Lampang, and when I went to a candle lighting ceremony last night to wish the king happy birthday, we were approached by a man who asked us if we loved the king but in a semi confrontational way. I smiled and nodded yes. There was definitely tension in the air, but it was still a beautiful ceremony with hundreds of people including myself lighting candles at once and wishing good health to the King.

....

I just got finished "teaching" a class. I wanted to cancel because only ten kids showed up and I'm incredibly lazy but they all started to protest and ordered me to teach. I found it really heartwarming! They like me! They really like me!

This place is literally a zoo right now. Seriously, someone brought it little animals at the back of the gym that you can pet. A few teachers have run up to me asking me if I'll sing for everyone. The thing is that I haven't done a show in so long, I'm actually itching to be on that stage right now belting own some Adele for everyone to sing along with. We shall see if they're serious about me singing.

Oh dear. Someone is singing Whitney Houston song and does not speak English. I can't go outside because I know I'll start bursting out in laughter.

Thanks for reading and much love!